February 18, 2018


'I beg young people to travel. If you don't have a passport, get one. Take a summer, get a backpack and go to Delhi, go to Saigon, go to Bangkok, go to Kenya. Have your mind blown, eat interesting food, dig some interesting people, have an adventure, be careful.
Come back and you are going to see your country differently, you're going to see your president differently, no matter who it is. Music, culture, food, water. You're going to see that global climate change is very real. And that for some people their day consists of walking twelve miles for four buckets of water. And so there are lessons you can't get out of a book that are waiting for you at the other end of the flight.'
-Henry Rollins

Every time I read these lines, it leaves an imprint; tells me why travel is important and not just over-rated, helps me become a traveler everyday, look at life non-materialistically and begs the young soul in me to travel more.

It does not matter how and where we travel, whether 2 miles or 2000 miles. It changes you, makes you look into yourself, look beyond the standard horizon, tells you where serenity lies and where peace resides. My recent trip to the Himalayas in India is one such example I set for myself to seek where my peace resides. Its in those little things when you watch a flowing river, hear a bird singing, feel that cold breeze brushing on your body and realizing how Science has created beautiful wonders.

Somewhat of a planned trip with friends, which went twisting around as we traveled along. After a good flight to the capital, Delhi, we merged into the most densely populated city in India. After a short search, easily found our way into Delhi metro with help from the local-ites, who by the way were the sweetest guides. I, personally, was amazed by the fact that Delhi metro was almost similar to what I experienced in Vienna, which is known for its transport connectivity. It was not my first time to travel by Delhi metro but the first time that I observed and realized how much importance these things hold. A short stay at the capital with expensive cab rides through the well known traffic got us through the day with a visit to the India gate, the Qutub Minar precinct & an awesome evening shopping at Sarojini nagar market (A must visit for any female, with an assurance of empty suitcase carried along). That freezing evening made us stop by a chai tapri for a quick recharge, where we accidently tried a "Fan" popularly known as khari. It tasted way more better than a cup of tea with a twist of ginger & honey and sided by crackers. We immediately bought a pack full of Fans and rushed to the station to catch our train to Rishikesh via Haridwar.

Touchdown Haridwar, which to be honest, I had never imagined would be a destination I will visit with my friends but I am glad, I did. Our delayed train to Rishikesh charged us with frustration as it ruined our plans in Rishikesh for the day and on reaching our hostel we had to cut short the activities we had planned, which ruined our moods furthermore. While gathering some positive energy we went for the 16kms river rafting in the Ganges, which turned out to be the best adventure sport I had done till date. The instructor guided us about the raft and consequences if any mistakes were committed. It scared me at first but then, that's what adventure is all about, isn't it?

As we sat on the raft, still, at intermediate segments without moving our rows, I looked at the instructor, looking past the Ganga, he looked so content with the job. So happy amidst that beautiful water. I asked him if this job is 365 days a year and while he told me with a slight sigh in his tone that it closes in monsoon, I felt like telling him he's lucky. He's lucky to sit here in full energy and force, unstoppable by the rapids and the flashy winds. He's lucky to have a work which gives him joy and not just money, lucky to be not stuck amongst the crowd but rather float in the Ganga and live his life king-size.
I wish I could tell him, people visit here for leisure and your daily job is associated with leisure. I wish I had told him what I thought. Not to prove how I romanticize all this but to tell him, just another human being, that hes's doing great in his life.

The instructor would say "Ganga maiyya ki jay!" before every rapid and we were supposed to repeat what he says. Not being a religious person, I am against chanting but something in his energy made me do it. Not because I started believing in Ganga as a goddess, but believing in the fact that religions definitely do not make people, people make religions, they believe in the force that drives them daily. These honest forces of his belief in Ganga, showed why people who stay the simplest are the happiest. How dedication to your work, no matter what work it is, is important and how these beliefs need to be just true at heart, not as a show-off.

As the massive force of the Ganga left me awestruck and we took a dip in that freezing cold water, the water currents ran past us and it struck me how deep that water must be but yet we were in it with our life jackets, trying to float and swim like babies.

Post rafting as we tried to rush at the Ganga aarti held everyday, we somehow missed it and instead had to settle for a dinner at Chotiwala dhaba which was an infamous restaurant in Rishikesh. Seeing all those sad faces because the trip wasn't going according to the plan, I tried inducing some motivation in everyone for the next day trip to Auli, the most awaited destination of the trip.

On hell of a roadtrip to Auli with all kinds of motion sickness, rocky roads, Himalayan ghats, and beautiful terrains led us to this small town of Joshimath, base to Auli. We reached there by night when all the dinner buffets were finished and we had to survive on Maggi for the night. We woke up to 0 degree Celsius with all the layers we could fit into and rushed for a cable car ride after a quick breakfast. Again missing the tickets for the cable car, we settled for a car ride to Auli, which fortunately was the best decision we had taken and took us through the best of roads covered with snow.

Snow, white, ice, everything nice. That's what Auli was all about. So peaceful, so serene and almost unreal views of the mountains left us overwhelmed. Slipping like babies and falling on our butts on the frozen ice surely gave us bad injuries but those seemed to have no attention while we were busy digesting the experience of that snowy mountain.

A further extension to Auli visit was a so called hot spring hidden somewhere between a small village called Tapovan near Joshimath. Though the hot spring was extremely disappointing, it left us with strong visual memories of that black rock formation and settlements tucked between the valleys and also, a taste of native Momos, after which, we returned to our base.

A planned overnight journey from Auli to Dehradun had to be replaced with a daytime journey till Rishikesh back, due to risky drives in the mountains overnight. Again, collecting some positive energy after cancelled plans, we traveled back to Rishikesh. This time, overlooking the Prayag Sangams of the rivers, where Science didn't fail to amaze me once again.
We reached just in time for the Ganga aarti, saw the aarti and went back to a hostel at night by the Ganges riding in a tuk-tuk. We tried a nice calm cafe by the river hidden inside a shop, which to our surprise served delicious food from around the world except for North-Indian food.

After a lot of contemplation, on our last night of this trip, we decided to let ourselves breathe and enjoy where we stood and so we did. Chilling on a night by the Ganges, chatting about life, how we fucked up, how we enjoyed this so called planned journey and how we should do this more often.

Today, when I write about this, I know it's not a story with a climax, it does not have a cyclonic action but as I sit here, I do know it was this experience which will count, this travel which taught me something, made me loosen up myself and tell myself how things never go your way, you have to find a path and keep going. Why I say this, is the very first quote in this post which holds true for a reason.

November 15, 2017

State Of Denial

Love is a forbidden thing nowadays, the most purest thing that exists on this planet is forbidden. Its deeply saddening to know people are afraid of love now, they are afraid of falling into it, thinking of it as a trap. It is suffocating for certain people and a feeling of bliss, only for a handful. Those who seek, do not get it, those who get loved do not want it. A feeling of oddity, one must say. 

There is a constant question in my head, why? Why are people becoming more afraid of love, of commitment, of desire and fire?
While I seek that answer, I realize how we think, how we develop in this modern age full of artificial intelligence. We find places to subside the feeling deep inside us because we are afraid. Afraid of that feeling of rush inside us. It is scary, sure; not the feeling of love, the will to hide.

The modern world is a monster, not just out of an article in a daily newspaper which suggests its eating our brain bit by bit, till we break down on small things and finally disappear nowhere to be found. The thumb lock condition, the mental breakdown, frustration on a cancelled plan, depression of a teenager; its all there but purposely overlooked. Why again? Too afraid to accept?

Its a normal day to see a person (age no bar) walking across a busy road, not looking up, not looking at the building that collapsed, a building that's shining, a rainbow that's arising, or a person that's drowning. Why? Too afraid to leave someone on a blue tick?

There is no love without feeling, there is no feeling without love. The human robot gets a citizenship and we feel the chill through us that the world is changing! How long did that feeling last? Did you Like it and scroll down? 

Love is a sacred thing for a holy being, who knows what it takes to love. To love a person, a thing, a family, a nation, the planet. The state of denial is what it will take to destroy us, not even leaving an expansion joint for the moment of truth before it collapses..




September 13, 2015

Scattered by water

*clock ticking*
Cold feet and cold hands, chills running through my body with my mind time travelling, back and forth to the good times, and to the bad times.
I feel numb, so does my brain and heart. The blood is flowing but not quite right. It feels ages since I had a real smile on my face. It feels ages since I laughed from the stomach. Change is constant. Change is huge, it leaves an imprint. It leaves you with no bounds, with no perfection. It makes you so weak, you wish you were never alive. It makes you so strong, you know you will survive.

If it was not for him, it would never have been me. If he was mine, I would always have been me. When the clock ticks, I feel so hollow. I have never been so fragile, never so devastated, never so unsure and never so unhappy. All I have ever wished for, is a piece of peace which brings a smile on my face and no matter what, stays strong and evolves to be stronger. When my problems seem huge to me, I look at much bigger problems to make myself feel better, but when I look down again, I can't stand on my feet. They shiver. They shiver with a fear of standing up again and falling down again, and the next time even more harder than they ever have.

When I turn to page 1, it seems like yesterday and as I go ahead, the pages appear burnt, I can't see, its all blurred. Only if my tears could stop the burning, I would cry to my death for all I want is to have a little bit of perfection in my life which appears like scattered pieces of glass. So uneven, so unequal, so unbalanced, which does not form a pattern and when you walk on it, it pricks, it bleeds, it leaves wounds which never heal.

I want to be bulletproof, I want to be so unreal that I never face this again, I don't repeat this again and never fall in love again. For once, I used to think love leaves a greater impact than hate but it seems I have been wrong all this time. But don't worry, I am, going to be bulletproof.

July 20, 2015


Sometimes you think the clouds are lighter
Sometimes darker
Sometimes so pure,
Sometimes just so deep

Deep within our fear resides
Deep down the veins,
Deep down rides the anger
Deep and deeper

Oh, you don't know what it is
You don't know what it means,
To be left aside all so sudden
To be left aside all by me

The pain, the cure, its all a myth
For no one is real in this world,
For no one realizes what someone means to you
For all that glitters, is not gold..

January 03, 2015

Time line

It was 2009, my birthday passed, and standing on a railway station I was wondering how "single" life is. I knew something was coming my way, one may call it an intuition. And it did. Something called as sixth sense, exists, I realized. It was time I decide what to do with my relationship status. The person who wanted me to be his, was eagerly waiting for an answer and I was standing, there, confused, unanswerable but also desperately wanting him, but afraid of break ups. I knew something which starts, has to end, it will never go on forever.

Standing on cloud 9, I was. It felt beautiful, never ending, unconditional and that mad love. He made me believe that things can go on forever, they don't have to end. We were good together, singing songs together, hanging out together, and all other things what a healthy couple does. Yes, there were always rows, big ones and small, but they were settled, it felt all normal, yet beautiful.

And like I used to feel, what starts, has to end someday, and it ended one day. It felt like the end of the world, quite literally. It seemed to end, I couldn't find a road, I used to sit alone, cry alone, and eat alone. I realized it was time to move on, it was time I deserved some happiness and I bucked up myself. And one fine day, while I was on the verge to move on, he came back to me, to be forever mine. And I realized, how much I love him, even after 7 months of being alone, I haven't forgotten anything of his. It was blissful to be back and to feel loved.

Today, I am at the same place, in the same state of mind, wondering how my life is right now. How my belief on love has diminished, how it feels to be left alone every time and how it feels to be uncertain about every damn thing.

Yes, my belief on love has diminished, for a reason. For a reason that I realized, love isn't enough. No matter how good you be, you won't receive good. Like someone has said, it's difficult to be good, because life is difficult for good people. I would flatter myself by saying I am a good person, because only I know what I really am.

Sometimes, I feel bad, how loneliness always comes at my doorstep, how every year, I have to deal with something really bad, how I could not have a stable relationship. I thought love is enough, that when you find a person you know you can spend the entire life with, it's wonderful. You know you can depend on them, cry with them, laugh with them, travel, eat, love, with only them.

Suddenly, everything seems changed, I don't know should I move ahead or keep knocking my destiny and remind it to have mercy on me and give me back my happiness, for I deserve some. And suddenly, I start believing in destiny, in future, in God, in the bad timezone, because when you don't have something, you value it more. 

October 08, 2014


Once, it was the time when it was all subtle. The biggest happiness would be jumping from a compound wall and the most famous secret would be a crush. It changes when we grow up, this change happens in everyone's life. What's the big deal?

Is it a big deal when you have some friends and some more good friends, and few of them just leave you at some point of time. Is it a big thing?

As a matter of fact, it is. It seems like a big problem of life while going through it. But, when looked back, it seems to disappear and you feel free but like a fool to be so worried about such a small thing back then. There are ups and downs, highs and lows everywhere and every point. Its just a way which matters, to deal with things.

When I have a row with my person, it seems like the end of the world, but everything is fine again. It is not even remembered the next day morning. Quite something like 'raat gayi baat gayi'! But are relationships same too, like friendship? Can they be forgotten so easily? Why is it so hard to see them go, see them go with someone else? Is it so hard to give your fullest? Or is it so hard to see the other person give their fullest? Or is it just not wise to hold on to somethings just because they mean something. They mean something and sometimes, everything.

We spend 80% of our life's span in making the other person happy, but does it matter? Do we, let it matter? Do we pay enough attention to it? Why is it so, when a person is away, you miss them more? You realize their importance? And if the relationship is so strong, then why does some other person be able to ruin it so easily? Are we so weak? Are we idiots that we cannot think? Are we bitches to interfere in someone else's life so much that their life becomes hell? Why don't we think about other people? What makes us so selfish?

December 28, 2013

Stepping forward by not being backward

Being that one girl or a woman, no different than any other. Having simple dreams, wishing for a prince charming, wishing that her Dad becomes immortal, wishing that she doesn't have to leave her house even after marriage..

Challenging our customs or age old traditions according to our own "religions" has always taken my interest. It has always surprised me in every possible way. I know what I think is right and wrong in some way or the other but everyone's thoughts are supposed to be that way. Like every other woman, I never want to leave my house, my parents, my city, my friends, my colleagues. All these things question me. They make me think, why girls are supposed to leave everything, but I do not have the question why don't boys have to leave everything instead of girls, because its not fair. Its not fair to tell anyone or to decide for someone that he/she has to do this or that. Why do all these things have to be inevitable in the Indian families? Why do we have to consider what others will think if we go against the religion? Why do we have to be afraid to tell our own parents that we are an atheist and we cannot believe in God like they do? Why, even after being an atheist will a girl have to adjust after marriage if the family is orthodox?

There are no encyclopedia-cal answers to these questions because we don't think out of the world which has been till now. We don't see the person open minded-ly, who is in fact, being open minded. Who is telling you not just to open your eyes, but who is telling you, your eyes can move in 360 degrees.
I have always been a person who believes that there is a world, which has Science in it rather than a world which has astrology in it. A true believer of herself when she gets successful rather than believing that God made her successful. Who will not believe in astrology just because she thinks its not fake but only a mind game.

The people who believe in me, are few, only because I dare to be different. I dare to go out of the silly box and boundary created around me. Daring here does not mean not being afraid of the dark, it means walking by it, searching for a candle somewhere. Accepting me, understanding me, is difficult. Now, I am not afraid to say that, yes it is difficult.

Dreaming for a prince charming or even the people around me, has a definition that they understand me by what I am because I understand them by what they are. That they accept me as I am, just because I have accepted them always, as they are. That not trying to change me, only except the fact when I'm genuinely wrong, because I don't try to "change" anyone because they are different than I am. That respecting my thoughts when I place in front of them, just because I have to follow the customs even when I don't will to.
I have always dream't of a future house in which I will be me, just my surname will change, according to the "custom". Where he will understand why am I in his house, rather than him thinking that I have just entered his property. Where they will understand me when I say, I want to follow my hobbies, even if they don't suit my age. Where my happiness will matter to them, more than "other people". Where my kids will love me because of who I am and what I have always strive to be, because I know, they are my kids, and they, after all, are my people. :)