September 13, 2015

Scattered by water

*clock ticking*
Cold feet and cold hands, chills running through my body with my mind time travelling, back and forth to the good times, and to the bad times.
I feel numb, so does my brain and heart. The blood is flowing but not quite right. It feels ages since I had a real smile on my face. It feels ages since I laughed from the stomach. Change is constant. Change is huge, it leaves an imprint. It leaves you with no bounds, with no perfection. It makes you so weak, you wish you were never alive. It makes you so strong, you know you will survive.

If it was not for him, it would never have been me. If he was mine, I would always have been me. When the clock ticks, I feel so hollow. I have never been so fragile, never so devastated, never so unsure and never so unhappy. All I have ever wished for, is a piece of peace which brings a smile on my face and no matter what, stays strong and evolves to be stronger. When my problems seem huge to me, I look at much bigger problems to make myself feel better, but when I look down again, I can't stand on my feet. They shiver. They shiver with a fear of standing up again and falling down again, and the next time even more harder than they ever have.

When I turn to page 1, it seems like yesterday and as I go ahead, the pages appear burnt, I can't see, its all blurred. Only if my tears could stop the burning, I would cry to my death for all I want is to have a little bit of perfection in my life which appears like scattered pieces of glass. So uneven, so unequal, so unbalanced, which does not form a pattern and when you walk on it, it pricks, it bleeds, it leaves wounds which never heal.

I want to be bulletproof, I want to be so unreal that I never face this again, I don't repeat this again and never fall in love again. For once, I used to think love leaves a greater impact than hate but it seems I have been wrong all this time. But don't worry, I am, going to be bulletproof.

July 20, 2015

Myth

Sometimes you think the clouds are lighter
Sometimes darker
Sometimes so pure,
Sometimes just so deep

Deep within our fear resides
Deep down the veins,
Deep down rides the anger
Deep and deeper

Oh, you don't know what it is
You don't know what it means,
To be left aside all so sudden
To be left aside all by me

The pain, the cure, its all a myth
For no one is real in this world,
For no one realizes what someone means to you
For all that glitters, is not gold..





January 03, 2015

Time line

It was 2009, my birthday passed, and standing on a railway station I was wondering how "single" life is. I knew something was coming my way, one may call it an intuition. And it did. Something called as sixth sense, exists, I realized. It was time I decide what to do with my relationship status. The person who wanted me to be his, was eagerly waiting for an answer and I was standing, there, confused, unanswerable but also desperately wanting him, but afraid of break ups. I knew something which starts, has to end, it will never go on forever.

Standing on cloud 9, I was. It felt beautiful, never ending, unconditional and that mad love. He made me believe that things can go on forever, they don't have to end. We were good together, singing songs together, hanging out together, and all other things what a healthy couple does. Yes, there were always rows, big ones and small, but they were settled, it felt all normal, yet beautiful.

And like I used to feel, what starts, has to end someday, and it ended one day. It felt like the end of the world, quite literally. It seemed to end, I couldn't find a road, I used to sit alone, cry alone, and eat alone. I realized it was time to move on, it was time I deserved some happiness and I bucked up myself. And one fine day, while I was on the verge to move on, he came back to me, to be forever mine. And I realized, how much I love him, even after 7 months of being alone, I haven't forgotten anything of his. It was blissful to be back and to feel loved.

Today, I am at the same place, in the same state of mind, wondering how my life is right now. How my belief on love has diminished, how it feels to be left alone every time and how it feels to be uncertain about every damn thing.

Yes, my belief on love has diminished, for a reason. For a reason that I realized, love isn't enough. No matter how good you be, you won't receive good. Like someone has said, it's difficult to be good, because life is difficult for good people. I would flatter myself by saying I am a good person, because only I know what I really am.

Sometimes, I feel bad, how loneliness always comes at my doorstep, how every year, I have to deal with something really bad, how I could not have a stable relationship. I thought love is enough, that when you find a person you know you can spend the entire life with, it's wonderful. You know you can depend on them, cry with them, laugh with them, travel, eat, love, with only them.

Suddenly, everything seems changed, I don't know should I move ahead or keep knocking my destiny and remind it to have mercy on me and give me back my happiness, for I deserve some. And suddenly, I start believing in destiny, in future, in God, in the bad timezone, because when you don't have something, you value it more. 

October 08, 2014

?

Once, it was the time when it was all subtle. The biggest happiness would be jumping from a compound wall and the most famous secret would be a crush. It changes when we grow up, this change happens in everyone's life. What's the big deal?

Is it a big deal when you have some friends and some more good friends, and few of them just leave you at some point of time. Is it a big thing?

As a matter of fact, it is. It seems like a big problem of life while going through it. But, when looked back, it seems to disappear and you feel free but like a fool to be so worried about such a small thing back then. There are ups and downs, highs and lows everywhere and every point. Its just a way which matters, to deal with things.

When I have a row with my person, it seems like the end of the world, but everything is fine again. It is not even remembered the next day morning. Quite something like 'raat gayi baat gayi'! But are relationships same too, like friendship? Can they be forgotten so easily? Why is it so hard to see them go, see them go with someone else? Is it so hard to give your fullest? Or is it so hard to see the other person give their fullest? Or is it just not wise to hold on to somethings just because they mean something. They mean something and sometimes, everything.

We spend 80% of our life's span in making the other person happy, but does it matter? Do we, let it matter? Do we pay enough attention to it? Why is it so, when a person is away, you miss them more? You realize their importance? And if the relationship is so strong, then why does some other person be able to ruin it so easily? Are we so weak? Are we idiots that we cannot think? Are we bitches to interfere in someone else's life so much that their life becomes hell? Why don't we think about other people? What makes us so selfish?


December 28, 2013

Stepping forward by not being backward

Being that one girl or a woman, no different than any other. Having simple dreams, wishing for a prince charming, wishing that her Dad becomes immortal, wishing that she doesn't have to leave her house even after marriage..

Challenging our customs or age old traditions according to our own "religions" has always taken my interest. It has always surprised me in every possible way. I know what I think is right and wrong in some way or the other but everyone's thoughts are supposed to be that way. Like every other woman, I never want to leave my house, my parents, my city, my friends, my colleagues. All these things question me. They make me think, why girls are supposed to leave everything, but I do not have the question why don't boys have to leave everything instead of girls, because its not fair. Its not fair to tell anyone or to decide for someone that he/she has to do this or that. Why do all these things have to be inevitable in the Indian families? Why do we have to consider what others will think if we go against the religion? Why do we have to be afraid to tell our own parents that we are an atheist and we cannot believe in God like they do? Why, even after being an atheist will a girl have to adjust after marriage if the family is orthodox?

There are no encyclopedia-cal answers to these questions because we don't think out of the world which has been till now. We don't see the person open minded-ly, who is in fact, being open minded. Who is telling you not just to open your eyes, but who is telling you, your eyes can move in 360 degrees.
I have always been a person who believes that there is a world, which has Science in it rather than a world which has astrology in it. A true believer of herself when she gets successful rather than believing that God made her successful. Who will not believe in astrology just because she thinks its not fake but only a mind game.

The people who believe in me, are few, only because I dare to be different. I dare to go out of the silly box and boundary created around me. Daring here does not mean not being afraid of the dark, it means walking by it, searching for a candle somewhere. Accepting me, understanding me, is difficult. Now, I am not afraid to say that, yes it is difficult.

Dreaming for a prince charming or even the people around me, has a definition that they understand me by what I am because I understand them by what they are. That they accept me as I am, just because I have accepted them always, as they are. That not trying to change me, only except the fact when I'm genuinely wrong, because I don't try to "change" anyone because they are different than I am. That respecting my thoughts when I place in front of them, just because I have to follow the customs even when I don't will to.
I have always dream't of a future house in which I will be me, just my surname will change, according to the "custom". Where he will understand why am I in his house, rather than him thinking that I have just entered his property. Where they will understand me when I say, I want to follow my hobbies, even if they don't suit my age. Where my happiness will matter to them, more than "other people". Where my kids will love me because of who I am and what I have always strive to be, because I know, they are my kids, and they, after all, are my people. :)          

July 13, 2013

The He factor.

What is dominance all about? Is it just being "bossy" or does it refer just only to the nature of any particular person or does it relate to leadership qualities of an "ideal leader"? Quizzically real, dominance is just a state of mind which a person has when he starts thinking that he is superior. But here, by superior I do not mean his base of nature of acting. Superior in the context of thinking that the other one is inferior. This type of superiority complex arrives from the surroundings or precisely, the society in which we have been in since decades and even centuries.

Factually, the dominance of 'he' over 'she' is the most common or "universally accepted" dominance. Dominance when a girl is born and people start thinking about the dowry which they'll have to pay whereas when a boy comes up, its just the joy celebrated with sweets! 
Dominance when you tell a girl to not get educated just because your boy has to and you do not have enough money for both! 
Dominance when you do not teach your kids better and after they grow up, the wife is blamed that she did not teach better!
Dominance is when you tell your wife to wake up early and make food for you or your kids but you do not help her in carrying even the used cup back in the kitchen! 
It is when the society gets worried for girl when she's at the age of marriage but the society never cared when she was young! 
It is when you tell her to not go out late at night, and when your son comes back at 3 am, it is fair enough to be a GUY! 
It is also when a guy makes 10 girlfriends, he becomes a stud and when she makes those 10 boyfriends, she becomes a used piece of shit! 
It is also when there's a baby care room in a ladies' toil but not one in the gents'. 
It is when you tell your girl to pick up the stuff or serve, when guests are home and you do not tell the guy to help her out! 
It is when you tell a girl that she has to learn to house-make but you, yourself do not know its 'h'. It is when you tell your daughters, sisters or girlfriends to not wear short or indecent clothes, but you wear a pair of jeans hanging below your buttocks showing off that jockey.
Dominance is when a rape takes place and the world still blames that girl!

These things, plus or minus, pessimistically or optimistically, real or unreal, are supposed to be there, somewhere in the air around you, constantly present but you cannot see it. Might be a condition that some of you have not ever gone through anything of this, or may be some of you have gone through everything of this. These are not the only things to be listed of, this space is too short to list them all at one go. When you realize that you have to accept the facts, you'll realize the facts are not so simple, yet not so difficult to accept too.

February 07, 2013

Untitled

Falling in your chest
The perfect feeling
Moving high
Higher and higher
Its the crazy, the crazy me

Nothing without you..

The rainbows smile
Until you sleep
Fires burn unless you weep

Its the crazy, the crazy me

Nothing without you..

Being one,
Nothing without you..

Dawning sun,
Nothing without you..

Dancing in the rain,
Nothing without you..

Shining in the sun,
Nothing without you..

You make me go crazy,
Cause its the crazy, the crazy me..