January 03, 2015

Time line

It was 2009, my birthday passed, and standing on a railway station I was wondering how "single" life is. I knew something was coming my way, one may call it an intuition. And it did. Something called as sixth sense, exists, I realized. It was time I decide what to do with my relationship status. The person who wanted me to be his, was eagerly waiting for an answer and I was standing, there, confused, unanswerable but also desperately wanting him, but afraid of break ups. I knew something which starts, has to end, it will never go on forever.

Standing on cloud 9, I was. It felt beautiful, never ending, unconditional and that mad love. He made me believe that things can go on forever, they don't have to end. We were good together, singing songs together, hanging out together, and all other things what a healthy couple does. Yes, there were always rows, big ones and small, but they were settled, it felt all normal, yet beautiful.

And like I used to feel, what starts, has to end someday, and it ended one day. It felt like the end of the world, quite literally. It seemed to end, I couldn't find a road, I used to sit alone, cry alone, and eat alone. I realized it was time to move on, it was time I deserved some happiness and I bucked up myself. And one fine day, while I was on the verge to move on, he came back to me, to be forever mine. And I realized, how much I love him, even after 7 months of being alone, I haven't forgotten anything of his. It was blissful to be back and to feel loved.

Today, I am at the same place, in the same state of mind, wondering how my life is right now. How my belief on love has diminished, how it feels to be left alone every time and how it feels to be uncertain about every damn thing.

Yes, my belief on love has diminished, for a reason. For a reason that I realized, love isn't enough. No matter how good you be, you won't receive good. Like someone has said, it's difficult to be good, because life is difficult for good people. I would flatter myself by saying I am a good person, because only I know what I really am.

Sometimes, I feel bad, how loneliness always comes at my doorstep, how every year, I have to deal with something really bad, how I could not have a stable relationship. I thought love is enough, that when you find a person you know you can spend the entire life with, it's wonderful. You know you can depend on them, cry with them, laugh with them, travel, eat, love, with only them.

Suddenly, everything seems changed, I don't know should I move ahead or keep knocking my destiny and remind it to have mercy on me and give me back my happiness, for I deserve some. And suddenly, I start believing in destiny, in future, in God, in the bad timezone, because when you don't have something, you value it more.